Entry #18: Head Chunks

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Another sore of tangential entry!

That will probably be the extension of my humor for today. This entry is a bit more serious because it’s something I don’t like to talk about. I don’t like to talk about it because when I do I feel like I’m seeking attention. But, after watching Ryan, I feel that I need to talk about it in order to properly explain how this film resonates with me.

I’ll take documentaries over the evening news any day because I feel like documentaries are more focused. I would rather hear the plights of people from the source than from a couple of well-groomed people sitting in a pristine studio. I want the whole story, not just a snippet. Snippets are easy to forget and brush off.

With that said, the way Ryan is animated and filmed was something I could easily latch onto. Not only could I understand the struggle of Ryan, I could see it in the way he was portrayed. His face was so broken.

He was broken.

And we got to see him slowly piece himself back together by remembering his art only to have it all shattered when questioned about his alcohol dependency. It’s hard to glue yourself back together again and then suddenly have someone tear you apart again. Even when that person means well, the damage is already done.

This is something I understand to my core. If the animators of Ryan were trying to portray mental illness, then I think they nailed it. I deal with dependency on others. It’s part of my anxiety. The problem is I tend to latch onto people who intend to hurt me. It’s like duct taping yourself to a cactus. This isn’t the case at the present. I’m lucky to have better, extremely supportive friends. But, when I was in elementary school through high school, I was in an abusive friendship. They often threatened to kill themself if I ever wasn’t within reach.

There were other things, but the point is I tore myself from them and I wish that was the end of it. I won’t outline exactly what happened between us but it’s very hard for me to talk about without feeling terrible. I have a really hard time dealing with other people’s emotions. I don’t know how to comfort or confront people. I was with that person for so long, it feels like someone took any empathetic abilities and social skills I had and tore them right out of my body.

So, basically when I saw Ryan with all the parts of his head missing, I felt like I could easily see an entire chunk of my head gone. I’ve been trying to get to get it back, but recently it’s been torn from me again. Again, I won’t say why here. I hate bothering people with my negative emotions. Even saying this much is making me feel like a whiny child. But, I need it to properly convey how I feel about Ryan.

Anyhow, let'd end this entry on a lighter note. Whenever I'm stressed, I look at pictures of bunny sea slugs. 

So wee, so presh.